I hesitated writing this review for a couple of reasons. First, I originally had no intention of writing reviews for first-run movies when I started this blog. Everyone with a blog writes first-run movie reviews, and I wanted to be more original by reviewing documentaries and campy made-for-TV movies. Next, I also hesitated because I didn’t want my thoughts to linger unnecessarily on what was essentially the cinematic equivalent of being anally raped by a pineapple.
But then I decided to do the noble thing: warn the public. If I stop even one of you from experiencing this pineapple-ass-rape, I will have acheived my goal.
Because I can’t bring myself to write a complete narrative, I will deliver some important bullet points about this “film.”
*Surely finding inspiration in the magic of Oz mythology, director Sam Raimi managed to spend over $200 Million on a movie whose special effects and cinematography magically appeared to be even cheaper than a movie made in 1939.
*Michelle Williams and Mila Kunis have now tied to replace Natalie Portman (in her Star Wars prequels, Amidala glory) as “Best Otherwise Capable Actress to Make a Really Awful Career Decision.”
*On a related note, the dialogue in this film actually makes the Star Wars prequels look Oscar worthy.
*If anyone was wondering, James Franco’s transition from “sort-of cute and lovably quirky” to “creepy uncle who really wants you to sit on his lap” is now complete. He looks like he really needs a shower.
*The only fun thing about this movie is saying “Shut up, Meg” every time Mila Kunis cackles something.
*You may be thinking “Hey, it isn’t high art, but it’s freaking Oz! It will be fun for my kids, right?”
*No. You would be wrong. The only way this is going to be fun is when it is released for DVD/streaming and adults who love camp will play it in the background at a party, in much the way they do with Showgirls now. You’re better off showing your kids Showgirls. It’s less offensive.
*When the most entertaining thing about your movie is Zach Braff as a flying monkey, you have serious problems. Serious.
*The way this “film” turned out is oddly appropriate. The story establishes that Oscar Diggs/Oz is just a con artist who swindles people out of their money in exchange for cheap and disappointing parlour tricks. Raimi may have just been making a metafictional statement about what he did to moviegoers.
Stay home and watch the original.